Just Because...
I
live in a place called Ludlow. A sleepy little town
that nestles the green hills that mark the boundary
between Wales and England. There is a block of flats
near a busy pedestrian crossing, and someone who lives
in one of the flats has put up a huge poster in the
window which simply reads, "You are Loved." Whoever
it is must have given up a lot of light in their room
to present that message to the world, but they are
clearly emanating a lot of light in a different sense.
For every time I see it, my heart lifts. I am reminded
of the truth of who I am - of who we all are. What
I love about the message in the window is because
it is there Just Because. You know - the reason why
children do things. You ask them why they're doing
something, and it's always 'just because.' Adults
lose that. There always has to be a reason, an agenda.
Which is nonsense, because of course there are no
reasons to do anything apart from...well, just because....
I
recently rediscovered this on a trip to France. I
was brought up in the world of doing things for a
reason, for an end-product. Love was always performance
based. If I did well at school, I got approval. I
was told that we were all here, on earth (I went to
one of those convent schools in England in the 1950s)
in order to get to heaven. And to get to heaven we
had to be good and to be good we had to DO things.
Well, I started meditation, and the universe has
been busy dismantling this sense of there being something
else, some place else, that I have to go to -- and
the sense that there are things I have to do in order
to get there. I'm feeling pretty freaked about it,
but trusting nonetheless because my happiness, my
enrichment, and my sense of joy and bliss deepens
so much that I have to surrender to this process.
When I was at school, painting was the thing I enjoyed
the most. I was usually somewhere near the bottom
in most subjects, but not art. I could pick up a paint
brush and wheeee, I was off. Flying somewhere. That
should have been my dharma in life, but I was so keen
to get the approval and love of my father who was
a busy doctor, that when it came to choosing exam
subjects I chose sciences, which I secretly hated,
and wound up being an x-ray technician. My drawings
of all the bones in the human body were to die for!
But I was not in the right place. And I left hospital
work soon after qualifying.
It doesn't really matter what I did in the next 30
years or so. Suffice to say, the world approved. So
did my parents. I picked up a paint brush maybe two
times in 25 years, but something in me had gone to
sleep when I was 17, and had not woken up.
Well, nearly 8 years ago I became a parent, and have
raised my child single-handedly. Not much approval
from society for that. Motherhood is not a vocation
which is particularly esteemed in England these days,
and that is the bit that has freaked me. Freaked my
ego, I should say. Because I'm not DOING something
that is leading to this thing call APPROVAL.
However I now see that what has happened has been
a very elegant dismantling of attachment to an illusion.
The illusion that I have to DO something in order
to GET something. The illusion that, it seems to me,
still holds the world in thrall. My child - my glorious
child - who only does things 'just because', has opened
the door that has been closed in my heart for so,
so long. I have resisted it - my god, have I resisted
it. There always had to be a purpose to what I did.
An end-product. Well - that's gone, because ... well.
I have had to live hand to mouth, day to day. At first
I found it really freaky. Not knowing what was going
to happen next. Not knowing what was going to provide
our security in the future. But the deeper I dived
into the process, the more I trusted, the more I have
been sustained.
There was one telling moment when this came home
to me. We live in a house that is in the middle of
the countryside but is so safe and secure, because
of its situation, that I never need to lock it when
I go out. Well, one day we were visiting friends who
are monetarily very well off and live in one of those
areas with Jaguars in the drive and burglar alarms
and stuff. Now they have to lock the front door when
they are actually in the house! My young son was impressed
with all these shenanigans of chaining and unchaining
doors, and returning home from a visit one day asked
why WE couldn't please at least lock our door when
we went out. Well, something in my heart just sank,
and I realized in an instant why. I realized that
I valued my sense of trust more highly - infinitely
more highly - than some old stereo or 'stuff'. Of
course, I had not analyzed this at all until my son
made his request. And fortunately my son, being a
young child, had forgotten all about it when we arrived
home. But it was a gift of a moment because I realized
I LIKED trusting. Up until then I hadn't realized
what a grip trust had in me! I hadn't realized how
much I had been exercising the trust muscle until
then.
I cannot tell you the good fortune we have had. Everything
arises just when it is needed. Enough is Abundance
in the finest sense, is it not? That doesn't stop
me from freaking a bit when I feel that needs may
arise, but I'm telling you I do not know how we do
it but we live like kings. Better than kings. Because
we are FREE and we have the certainty that everything
is provided as and when it is required. Perfectly.
What king sleeps at night with that assurance? Which
brings me full circle to painting, and what I was
trying to say to you about why I love the 'just because'
motive for doing things. Recently I took a trip to
France with my son, and on an impulse took some special
new paints I had purchased for him. He is a talented
little artist and I thought I might encourage him.
One morning, early in our holiday, I woke up and the
sun was just so fine. Such a blessing. The trees were
alive with birds, crickets were singing, and before
I knew it I had taken my drawing pencils outside and
started sketching. And then the paints soon followed,
and I started painting...and I'll tell you I couldn't
stop. When I ran that brushful of delicious blue paint
across the top of the paper it was as though I had
done it only yesterday. You would have thought I'd
been painting all my life. I knew just what the paint
would do. How it would behave. And I cannot stop.
It is such a joy.
Needless to say it has not taken long for my ego
to get a handle on what is happening here. Because
you cannot paint with your ego. Already it's talking
about doing a course, buying frames, selling pictures.
And you know what? I go, 'yeah sure....' Because I
may or I may not. Because I am doing this 'just because.'
It is my song, and I am singing it. Just because I
can. And what I love about what I do in life now is
that I do it ;just because' ... I know that if the
joy went out of what I do I wouldn't do it. There
is no right way of doing, no wrong way of doing. I
just go by the feeling in my heart. It just happens,
unchecked. It is like having a conversation with the
universe. It is like having a conversation with myself.
Which I guess is what it is.....
